It’s late.
Not just pertaining to the time of the day (it is 0030 as I write this), but also the fact that I am finally and only now penning these words of announcement–well, better get it out with.
I got in to Law School.
You might recall my post from January where I sounded dangerously upbeat about having finished a long test preparation period. Then, I had no courage to say it outright, yet the fact was that I had been studying for the LSAT, a test most everyone dreads or hates or both. (Personally, I should like to strangle whoever conceived of it in the first place.)
After spending some months in false positivity (i.e. trying to escape from the reality my January test was the exact score I started out with last June and was probably not enough to get into my dream school) where I did everything from writing to picking up new hobbies including ballet and not limited to more reading and writing (also began a Substack–what’s up with that?) but also going back to an old work in the film (it sounds cool when I say that, but I’m only a background extra).
I should be honest and say that although I genuinely loved every moment I could spend doing the things I couldn’t during my LSAT grind–for grind it was, a gruelling one at that–a perpetual cumulonimbus cloud hung over me. The constant threat of all of my efforts amounting to nothing, for to me if I did not get in this year, the idea of having to go through it all again was enough to make me want to jump out a window from a five-storey apartment (perhaps I’d survive the fall?) or something along those lines…I fluctuated from moments of pure joy at all the words, music, and natural movement that I surrounded myself in to abject despair, and my self-worth, so precariously tied to the idea of “having achieved” and nothing less than that (and here this means having been accepted into law school, straight, whatever that means, having graduated from there, and well on my jolly way to becoming one of those lawyers who seem to make a lot of money whilst they actually help other people solve real problems).
May came. On the same day I had graduated from university last year, I heard back from one of the two law schools I applied to: I had been rejected.
I won’t bore you with all the details of my rather embarrassing existential crisis that followed, but suffice it to say that by July, I was convinced I was going back to the trenches, or else having a dire need to figure out a Plan B (which I clearly did not have).
So, it might come to you and me as a great shock and hopeful twist of turns that I am now 1) a law student (called 1Ls here), 2) have moved halfway across the country to attend said school and 3) am at my dream school.
Not only this, but everything I could have hoped for came to pass within this two month period since then. I am settled quite comfortably at an attic abode (which, by the way, came both reasonably priced and fully furnished–like this wide, wooden desk where I write this) in a quaint, historic town where everything seems to be constructed of limestone, have found a way to finance myself on this endeavour, and have already met many others who I can consider my good friends. I’ve gotten some volunteer positions I had wanted to get, found a church that is walking-distance from my place, have explored my new hometown, and overall, love this new, strange life. A perfect start for a coming-of-age film.
It almost sounds too good to be true.
Then again, perhaps that’s the point. I had come to the end of all my efforts, and for all my works to “achieve” something great, I had to let it go. Only after had I let it go and admitted that I was completely defeated by this resounding, deafening silence from the world and God did I hear it: I was more than enough, just the way I was. I didn’t need a 170 LSAT score. I didn’t need a 3.9/4.0 gpa. I didn’t need glamorous extracurriculars like an externship at a law firm in my gap year. I didn’t need all this work. I daresay, at the cost of sounding dramatic, that all of this achieving–they were totally useless. Meaningless, even.
11…no one understands; no one seeks for God.
(Romans 3:11-12, ESV)
12 All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.”
Through all my efforts in achieving, I had sidelined God and had become completely–nothing.
It’s amazing how easy it is for me to quickly lose sight of Him from whom all blessings flow and through Him and in Him all things are made, especially after seeing Him come through on His promises to me that is good and true. It was so easy for me to throw away the Truth and embrace the Lie that God is not good. That God doesn’t care, or that He doesn’t understand. I revolve around Him or else I spiral out of control.
What I mean to say is this: I’ve been placed here, not out of my own merits but through the inherent goodness and grace of God. People have told me otherwise. They say that I am only being humble, of playing down my accomplishments.
I tell you, in truth, that I was borderline material at most. But what He can do is to turn those borderline material into something for His glory. If there’s anything I can boast, it’s my weakness, my limitedness, my non-accomplishments.
For through them, you will see the greatness of God.
And that’s really all there is to it.
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
(I Corinthians 12:9, KJV)
